No Comment
by Lady Mage
Summary: “Are you blind, Granger? How much more obvious do I have to get? I watch you all the time, and I kissed you good morning!” “So what, Malfoy?” “I BLOODY WELL FANCY YOU, THAT’S WHAT!” Hermione and Draco dialogue, Christmas of their seventh year. One-shot.


"...[_kiss_]…"

"Malfoy, what the hell?"

"Merry Christmas, Granger!"

"Get. Out. Of. My. Room. Now."

"Good morning to you too, Granger! Do you want your present now or later?"

"Malfoy, I'm warning you! Get the hell out of here or I'm assigning detention!"

"I'm head boy, Granger. I'll just assign one back!"

"Phstt."

"Don't pshtt me, Granger. Do you really want to death with another joint lecture from Slughorn and McGonagall about how assigning each other detentions in unprofessional and does not befit the status of the Head Couple?"

"Head Couple? Come on, Malfoy, as if _anyone_ can picture us as a couple!"

"Actually…"

"What? You've got to be kidding me, Malfoy."

"Well…"

"Spit it out, Malfoy!"

"Merlin, Granger, it's not like it would be _that _terrible dating me!"

"Um, yes it would be. Have you lost your mind? And it's not as if people think it is likely to happen."

"Well, actually…"

"Come on, you can't be serious."

"Agirlthoughtwemarriedotherday."

"Say it again and say it slower."

"Agirlthoughtweweremarriedtheotherday."

"Spill, Malfoy. It can't be _that_ bad, can it?"

"Um, yes, well… sorta… you aren't going to like it very much at all, I don't think…"

"Who are you and what have you done with Draco Malfoy?"

"Huh?"

"Since when do you say 'sorta'?"

"Um…"

"I was under the impression that that was a muggle phrase which would never sully your oh-so-perfect pureblood lips."

"You think my lips are perfect?"

"That is beside the point, Malfoy!"

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is!"

"Fine."

"Shall we start over again?"

"Yes."

"Alright then. What were you going to say, why won't I like it, and what the heck are you doing in my bedroom on Christmas morning?"

"No comment, no comment, and I wanted to wish you Merry Christmas and give you your present."

"No comment? What kind of answer is that?"

"A perfectly reasonable one?"

"You have got to be kidding me, Malfoy!"

"Aren't you interested in your present?"

"No I am not!"

"Fine."

"Fine."

"In answer to your question-"

"What question?"

"The question regarding whether 'no comment' was an appropriate answer or not."

"Oh right, go on."

"As a Malfoy, I can't comment every time a reporter comes knocking. Unless it suits my personal interests, of course. Imagine what talking to every Quibbler reporter would do for my public persona, Granger."

"Would it really be so terrible?"

"Um, Granger, a little reality check? Headlines the next day would probably read 'Malfoys Impersonated by House Elves'!"

"You do have a point."

"Yes I do."

"But you are avoiding the main topic of conversation here."

"What topic?"

"Why on earth would anyone think we were a couple, Malfoy? And quit dancing around the question!"

"I am not dancing around the question!"

"Right, and my mother was a warthog."

"I always had my suspicions, Granger. Thank you for confirming them."

"MALFOY!"

"Sorry."

"Well, um… Granger, I-"

"Get on with it, Malfoy!"

"A first year thought we were married the other day and asked me when our anniversary was and if we had any kids yet."

"WHAT?"

"I knew you would react this way."

"Quit smirking at me Malfoy!"

"I am not smirking at you; I am simply bestowing my smirk upon your gracious features."

"Same difference!"

"Whatever, Granger."

"The first year doesn't think we are married anymore, right?"

"Granger, I hardly think-"

"Yes, Malfoy?"

"No."

"There's more, isn't there?"

"No, that's all."

"Stop right there, Draco Axabras Malfoy! Don't go anywhere. You are not leaving this room until you explain yourself. Now, first off, that response was too quick for my liking, and second off…"

"Yes, Granger?"

"I thoroughly hope you left the poor first year after reassuring them that we are not married?"

"Reassurance, Granger?"

"Yes, reassurance!"

"Why would that be a reassurance?"

"Because the idea of us as a couple is so horrendous to contemplate it gives me the shivers!"

"Give it up, Granger. I'm not _that _terrible."

"Whatever, Malfoy. What else did you tell the first year?"

"Nothing."

"Malfoy!"

"Um… well… I- I might have told here we were dating?"

"WHAT THE HELL, MALFOY?!"

"She seemed so devastated that we weren't together… said we reminded her of her parents… I think the poor thing was homesick!"

"So you told her we were dating? Please explain to me why that would make her feel better, because I do not comprehend this!!"

"Well, what would you have done in this situation? The poor girl was desperate!"

"Oh, let me think… hmm, such a hard decision… how about _not_ tell her we were dating?"

"Granger, Granger, Granger…"

"Don't you Granger, Granger, Granger, me, Draco Malfoy. And no smirking allowed either."

"Why not?"

"I can't think straight when you do that!"

"Mmmhhmmm?"

"Quit it Malfoy!"

"Quit what?"

"Leering at me and raising your eyebrows in that peculiar fashion!"

"Ow! Don't hit me, Granger!"

"You honestly think you can get away with anything after you told the girl we were dating? By now the whole school is probably seething with this information!!! And quit clutching your face as if I did permanent damage. Trust me, I haven't even started yet!"

"You haven't even started yet? What did I ever do to you? All I wanted to do was come in your room, kiss you a Merry Christmas, and give you your present. Is that too much to ask?"

"Yes, Malfoy! Oh, quit it- let go! Put me down this instant!"

"Come on, Granger, would it be really quite as bad as you think to date me? I mean, I'm good looking, smart, witty, rich, and influential. You are gorgeous, intelligent, brave, loyal, and strong. We'd be an unstoppable pair."

"You are not suggesting what I think you are suggesting."

"Actually, I am."

"You can't be serious."

"Sirius was my cousin. I am Draco, in case you haven't noticed yet in the-hmm, let's see- _seven years we've known each other_! Comprendo?"

"That still doesn't excuse you calling me Mudblood every third word."

"Oh come on, Hermione. Do you really think I meant that? Maybe when we were third year, but now? Are you blind?"

"Of course I'm not blind, Malfoy. I see you, don't I?"

"How much more obvious do I have to get? I come in to kiss you good morning, give you a present, and constantly watch you wherever you go."

"So what?"

"I BLOODY WELL FANCY YOU, THAT'S WHAT!!!"

"Oh."

"Quite."

"I see. But that still doesn't explain… [_kiss_]… this is highly irregular, Malfoy…[_suck_]…Oh, Malfoy… [_gasp_]…Malfoy!"

"Draco, Hermione, it's Draco."

"…[_moan_]…[_kiss_]…[_tickle_]…[_nuzzle_]…[_snog_]…[_devour_]…"

"…[_kiss_]…[_yank_]…[_tackle_]…[_wrestle_]…[_pin to bed_]…"

"…[_love_]…"

"Still think we don't work as a couple, Granger?"

"No…[_moan_]…comment… and… it's Hermione, Draco, not… [_kiss_]… Granger…"

"Merry Christmas, Hermione."

"Merry Christmas, Draco."

"…So does this…[_love_]…mean…[_whisper_]…you'll be…[_snuggle_]…my girlfriend…[_snog_]…?"

"No comment."

"…[_kiss_]…Hermione...[_suck_]...Jane…[_moan_]...Granger…"

"Fine."

"Fine…[_pin to bed, snog_]…what… [_snuggle, hug_]?"

"I'll be your girlfriend."

"…[_love_]…"

"Good."


End file.
